unhappy birthday

The last few days have found me nervous and very worried that something is wrong with the Bean. I feel there has been a sharp decline in her movement which has me a nervous wreck and constantly jiggling my tummy to see if I can awake her from her slumber.

Wonderful Husband is turning 30 in a few weeks. We have been going back and forth on how best to celebrate. It is becoming a painful process. Normally, I would have thought up something months ago and had everything planned to a T. This year, that just isn’t going to happen. I have the brain capacity of a fly and making decisions does not come easy. I feel bad for Wonderful Husband; he deserves a huge celebration.

Today we both realized why we can’t focus on his birthday and why I am constantly walking around jabbing my tummy.

His birthday will mark the almost one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I started spotting and knew there was a problem a few days before his last birthday. The doctor told me to take it easy and I actually stayed home from the birthday dinner we had planned with a group of friends. We told people I was under the weather. Instead, I was sitting at home on the couch crying my eyes out. He didn’t want to be at the dinner, I didn’t want to be alone – it was a shitty birthday.

My miscarriage didn’t happen that day. Actually, it physically occurred about five days later -after one ultrasound showed a heart beat and another, three days later, showed nothing. One second you are a mom and then you aren’t. I can’t describe my grief.

I am a pessimist to the core. It scares me to say things are going well with this pregnancy. I think that is why I always list one negative thing when people ask how I am feeling. I know, from experience, your world can be turned upside down when you least expect it.

I try not to hold regrets for what was lost and I do believe things happen for a reason. I have tried to only look forward in this pregnancy and not focus on what was. I don’t long for the baby we didn’t have – I long for this baby, the Bean. I want this time to pass and to hold this kiddo in my arms. I want to see her breathe and for her to keep breathing long past my time.

I want everything to be okay.